Have you ever had a moment where you just feel so... isolated that everything about your future seems to be in a haze? It seems difficult to make it to the next hour or day, let alone week or month, or year? My life seems to be doing that a lot lately. Especially at night, when I actually start thinking about things. It scares me. It makes me want to stay in my bed and hide from things. It makes me want to scream, or cry, or at least whimper a little.
When I get like that, it's actually a bit hard to breath. And yes, I do have lovely, devoted friends who are fully capable of helping me through these moments. But I don't like to bother them. I don't like to make them uncomfortable. I don't like opening up.
In the end, I'm just selfish. I want to contain everything. I want to take my own life by the reigns. But... I can't. I know that. And yes, I'm not the only one taking the reigns in this whole... Circle of Life, grand scheme of things. There's that guy I've always got on my side (admittedly, we're not as close as we could be, but we're working on that. He's the type of guy who loves me unconditionally, and is patient enough to wait for me to come back to Him). So, I'm working on rebuilding that relationship. Because I know He'll never be bothered by my late-night paranoia, and always has the right, if slightly confusing, words. :)
Goodnight, world. I'm off to have a brief chat with my Maker, and hopefully have a very nice sleep.

So hold your breath...

Today was... emotional. And I'm not sure if it was a good thing or not.
I went to a synchronized skating competition. And I loved every moment of it. The cheering, the makeup, the hairspray... It was fabulous. And the people... I grew up with them. They're family to me. I miss all of it so much. And there were a few tears.
And then going to hang out with one of my best friends, that was fabulous as well. We got to have a deep conversation, interrupted by squeeing over stupid pretty boys and comments about glitter being on my socks, and we ate gross greasy food. And just in general enjoyed one another's company.
But coming home, something in me broke. I was listening to Secondhand Serenade, as I do. The song Vulnerable just really gets me. And I was thinking, if a guy who was interested in me (which, frankly, they don't seem to be :/ ) was musically inclined, it would make me RIDICULOUSLY happy if he sang that song to me. If he could play it on the acoustic guitar at the same time... -swoon-
But I'm getting ahead of myself. I need to like myself a lot more before I can expect for a boy to like me.

Goodnight, blog.

Oh, So Poetic

These soft-spoken terrors chase me,
With their light-footed mercies of death.
Terrifyingly honest, I can't stand it anymore.
And I need to stay awake; I need to stay alive.
And please sing me to sleep with hardrock lullabies,
To save me from my from my acoustic nightmares.
Just make sure my words are remembered,
Not my tears or my cries.
Think of me with fondness and devotion.
My piercing scream will tear the chords apart,
And I'll be able to stay awake; I'll live for one more day.
And please sing me to sleep with hardrock lullabies,
And banish my acoustic nightmares.
Build me up from the demolition site,
And make me whole again.

Found in the Ruins of my Closet

When in doubt, shoot the messenger. Make sure you don't know that you're not perfect. Make sure that you're absolutely oblivious to anything and everything that might break your little bubble. Pretend that you've never hurt anyone.
Those are the rules you live by, day after day. You can't remember the last time that wasn't true. You pass your time in a state of constant disregard for responsibility.
You know that you're alone. Your blanket of security is gone. You tore it up. You can't fix months of hurt with a single insincere thought.
Don't lie. Don't make promises you can't keep. Don't pity yourself when you've brought all this upon yourself. Don't come crying to those who cared for you when your life falls apart - you pushed them away. You didn't want them. You wanted a change, a new life - you're getting it.
And you won't get me back. You hurt me too many times. I don't trust you anymore. What's done is done. I don't hate you. I'm disappointed in you. I give up on waiting.
I shouldn't have to wait.

So Fold Your Hands Child.

Yeah, so... I've had a pretty long week.
My father got a positive result back from the doctor. But in this case, positive is really very negative:
My daddy has cancer.
So, I'm kind of scared, as any normal child would be. We were told from the beginning that this was a very treatable kind of cancer though. It's cervical (with a long 'i' sound, and not a thing to do with the cervix. My father doesn't have one of those). It started about two years ago. He found some lumps on the side of his neck, and went to a doctor right away. He was then referred to Dr Nasen at the Health Science Centre, who happens to be the best oncologist in Manitoba. Dr Nasen removed the lumps from dad's left side. The biopsy came up negative - they were benign. Unusual, but benign.
He's had follow up appointments with Dr Nasen every few months since, and the good doctor decided that he was all good - but he'd take a look at the lumps on the other side first, just to be sure. And lo and behold, those ones had kind of melded together, or something. And those ones were cancerous.
So, now dad has a team of doctors. They've got a plan: Remove the rest of the tumour. And then, if it's spread, radiation. And I'm praying for him. So... that's gotta count for something, right?
I trust both the doctors, and God to get my daddy through this. <3

Just leave me alone

I'm going through a bit of a tough time. Family issues, and whatnot.
So, I'm gonna dabble in my old, emo-kid, grade ten pastime. Such as writing.

I look about, searching
For just one fleeting glance of normality.
The facade is there.
We laugh and talk, and just generally pretend.
The fear is there.
It lives, it thrives, it revels
In our blatant discomfort.
I feel the tension,
I feel the urge to break it.
I want to talk, discuss, explain.
Instead, I squash it.
I embrace the fear.
Just like I always do.