Well.

I don't know if I want to do this again next year. I love my roomies and all. But they have a way of making me feel left out. And I know that it's probably not intentional, but I pay rent, and utilities, and grocery bills too. So why can't they at least treat me like a roommate, and not just some boarder staying in their house because they felt generous?
I'm sick of having to tiptoe around the one of them all the time because she's pretty much always in a dismal mood. I'm sick of the other one looking at me and the food I eat and knowing she's probably thinking 'omg, look at all them calories'. I just want to be me. Is that so hard?
Oh. And because our school is on strike, apparently they're considering transferring. To The Pas. So where does that leave me? In a house with three bedrooms and no roommates, and not being able to afford the sudden leap in rent? Hey thanks, guys.

Life, she is a bitch.

Ugh. Seriously, is it just me? My roommate just asked me to pay her to use 2 eggs. Yeah. Because she'd purchased this carton. And I was like, "Oh. I thought it was still the one I'd bought. How much do you want for 2 eggs?"
She looked a little bashful, and said, "I guess I've had some of yours... but if you're gonna be using them, you could chip in."
Honestly. She's got more saved than I do. And I don't bitch at her whenever she has a slice from the loaf of bread I've purchased. Perhaps I'll just go and buy my own groceries, make my own meals, do my own dishes... you get the point. I just thought that it wouldn't be so awkward so soon in the year. :/

Wow. Nothing's Changed.

Nothing has changed for me since May, Blog.
Well, it has. I've moved out on my own (ish. I have two roommates). And I'm back in school. I feel better about myself. I look halfway decent most of the time.
But tonight, I just wonder why guys don't seem to find me attractive. None of them ever approach me ANYWHERE. None of them ever tell me I look pretty. None of them even seem to want me as a one-night-stand (Not that that's what I'm looking for, far from it, but I'd be at least a little flattered).
So why? Am I just full of it when I look in the mirror? Am I really some unattractive bizzatch who's just more conceited than she should be? Or is it that I'm unapproachable? Because really, I'm just ridiculously shy.
Grrr. Help?

you look so good in blue.

I can't deal anymore, blog. I've been dealing with so much lately, and pretending it was nothing that I physically cannot deal anymore. I'm sick of it. Next time someone asks me how I am, or why I'm so angry, I may flip on them. My father has cancer, how the hell do you think I am?!
Blrrr. It doesn't really help that my friends are just as busy work-wise as I am. It makes me sad that I never seem to be able to find a time where any of them are available at the same time as me. Or if they are, they already have plans because I fail at remembering my schedule. I'm sick of spending every night with my parents - as much as I love them, they are driving me bonkers because they're... well, because they're my parents.
And lately, I've been feeling like my ego is approximately the size of a flea. I think nothing of myself. I'm cute, maybe pretty. But I'm not beautiful, and I'm okay with that. Not everyone can be beautiful. But my self-esteem is non-existent lately, and when my friends make comments that are supposed to be jokes *and I'm guilty of this as well, I'm sure* about their weight and how they felt fat and bloated and I look down and I just feel so bad about myself. Because all of my friends are so attractive, and have fabulous bodies, and carry themselves so well, and I just feel like I look disgusting next to them. Because yes, I'm a little pudgy, and no, I'm not a size 0. But I'm not sure if they realize their comments make me feel like that. Actually, I'm sure they don't. And I'm positive they aren't trying to make me feel that way - I take things wrong all the time. But nights like tonight, when I'm burnt out and emotional anyway - please. Just don't say anything about how you're so fat, and don't fit into your size two jeans anymore. I can't help the way I am. I really can't. It truly does not matter how much I work out, or how little I eat. I'm still pudgy. I've still got a massive ass.
...I need to get fat, ugly friends.

April is at an end...

I'm a mess tonight. I couldn't tell you why. Maybe I'm just burnt out? In the past two weeks, I've had my four days off - plus a Stat holiday. That should've given me plenty of time to rest and rejuvenate, right? Nope. I've been busy. And stressed. And lonely.
And I think I'm getting sick. I feel disgusting. I can't sleep. Even when I do get sleep, I wake up exhausted. I'm irritable and nauseous all the time. There's this sporadic, dull pain in my lower left side. I'm more absent minded than usual - I need a break. I think that getting away from all of THIS loveliness surrounding my family, and my life in general right now would be a cure to all that.
I'll have to settle on an early night and a handful of advil, combined with a heat pack. Turns out, when you're an adult you can't run away from your problems. You just have to sit there and take it. Life is never easy.

Someday I won't worry.

Hey blog.
I've been really down lately. I'm not sure entirely what's up with it. At first I thought it was just the usual lack-of-sleep kind of feeling off. But I'm kind of doubting that at this point. I just always feel a little left out. Like I don't actually have any real friends, or something. Because somehow, I'm always here. On my sofa. Watching tv with my parents. Because I'm just that cool.
-sigh-
I'm honestly a little afraid to put myself out there. I don't think that I can deal with rejection just yet. I can't thrust myself into a situation where I just might hurt myself. My ego is fragile enough as it is, thank you very much. So while I sit here, tearing my hair out and crying in sheer frustration, I ask you:
Is it really worth the pain that's all-too-often inflicted to put yourself out there?

I'm sick of it.

I refuse to apologize for my emotions anymore. Yes, I'm sad alot. Yes, I'm cynical. Yes, I'm angry sometimes. But you know what? That's okay. Because I'm also happy alot. I'm joyful, hopeful, and downright enthusiastic. But I'm also ridiculously fragile. One misconstrued comment, and I'm down for the count. But I don't feel that I should have to be sorry for feeling. That's a stupid concept.
So, to anyone who feels that they shouldn't feel a certain way: you can feel however you want. There is no shame in it. It takes a very strong person to admit that they're broken without making it sound like an apology.

"I won't hate myself to be loved by you."