Well.

I don't know if I want to do this again next year. I love my roomies and all. But they have a way of making me feel left out. And I know that it's probably not intentional, but I pay rent, and utilities, and grocery bills too. So why can't they at least treat me like a roommate, and not just some boarder staying in their house because they felt generous?
I'm sick of having to tiptoe around the one of them all the time because she's pretty much always in a dismal mood. I'm sick of the other one looking at me and the food I eat and knowing she's probably thinking 'omg, look at all them calories'. I just want to be me. Is that so hard?
Oh. And because our school is on strike, apparently they're considering transferring. To The Pas. So where does that leave me? In a house with three bedrooms and no roommates, and not being able to afford the sudden leap in rent? Hey thanks, guys.

Life, she is a bitch.

Ugh. Seriously, is it just me? My roommate just asked me to pay her to use 2 eggs. Yeah. Because she'd purchased this carton. And I was like, "Oh. I thought it was still the one I'd bought. How much do you want for 2 eggs?"
She looked a little bashful, and said, "I guess I've had some of yours... but if you're gonna be using them, you could chip in."
Honestly. She's got more saved than I do. And I don't bitch at her whenever she has a slice from the loaf of bread I've purchased. Perhaps I'll just go and buy my own groceries, make my own meals, do my own dishes... you get the point. I just thought that it wouldn't be so awkward so soon in the year. :/

Wow. Nothing's Changed.

Nothing has changed for me since May, Blog.
Well, it has. I've moved out on my own (ish. I have two roommates). And I'm back in school. I feel better about myself. I look halfway decent most of the time.
But tonight, I just wonder why guys don't seem to find me attractive. None of them ever approach me ANYWHERE. None of them ever tell me I look pretty. None of them even seem to want me as a one-night-stand (Not that that's what I'm looking for, far from it, but I'd be at least a little flattered).
So why? Am I just full of it when I look in the mirror? Am I really some unattractive bizzatch who's just more conceited than she should be? Or is it that I'm unapproachable? Because really, I'm just ridiculously shy.
Grrr. Help?

you look so good in blue.

I can't deal anymore, blog. I've been dealing with so much lately, and pretending it was nothing that I physically cannot deal anymore. I'm sick of it. Next time someone asks me how I am, or why I'm so angry, I may flip on them. My father has cancer, how the hell do you think I am?!
Blrrr. It doesn't really help that my friends are just as busy work-wise as I am. It makes me sad that I never seem to be able to find a time where any of them are available at the same time as me. Or if they are, they already have plans because I fail at remembering my schedule. I'm sick of spending every night with my parents - as much as I love them, they are driving me bonkers because they're... well, because they're my parents.
And lately, I've been feeling like my ego is approximately the size of a flea. I think nothing of myself. I'm cute, maybe pretty. But I'm not beautiful, and I'm okay with that. Not everyone can be beautiful. But my self-esteem is non-existent lately, and when my friends make comments that are supposed to be jokes *and I'm guilty of this as well, I'm sure* about their weight and how they felt fat and bloated and I look down and I just feel so bad about myself. Because all of my friends are so attractive, and have fabulous bodies, and carry themselves so well, and I just feel like I look disgusting next to them. Because yes, I'm a little pudgy, and no, I'm not a size 0. But I'm not sure if they realize their comments make me feel like that. Actually, I'm sure they don't. And I'm positive they aren't trying to make me feel that way - I take things wrong all the time. But nights like tonight, when I'm burnt out and emotional anyway - please. Just don't say anything about how you're so fat, and don't fit into your size two jeans anymore. I can't help the way I am. I really can't. It truly does not matter how much I work out, or how little I eat. I'm still pudgy. I've still got a massive ass.
...I need to get fat, ugly friends.

April is at an end...

I'm a mess tonight. I couldn't tell you why. Maybe I'm just burnt out? In the past two weeks, I've had my four days off - plus a Stat holiday. That should've given me plenty of time to rest and rejuvenate, right? Nope. I've been busy. And stressed. And lonely.
And I think I'm getting sick. I feel disgusting. I can't sleep. Even when I do get sleep, I wake up exhausted. I'm irritable and nauseous all the time. There's this sporadic, dull pain in my lower left side. I'm more absent minded than usual - I need a break. I think that getting away from all of THIS loveliness surrounding my family, and my life in general right now would be a cure to all that.
I'll have to settle on an early night and a handful of advil, combined with a heat pack. Turns out, when you're an adult you can't run away from your problems. You just have to sit there and take it. Life is never easy.

Someday I won't worry.

Hey blog.
I've been really down lately. I'm not sure entirely what's up with it. At first I thought it was just the usual lack-of-sleep kind of feeling off. But I'm kind of doubting that at this point. I just always feel a little left out. Like I don't actually have any real friends, or something. Because somehow, I'm always here. On my sofa. Watching tv with my parents. Because I'm just that cool.
-sigh-
I'm honestly a little afraid to put myself out there. I don't think that I can deal with rejection just yet. I can't thrust myself into a situation where I just might hurt myself. My ego is fragile enough as it is, thank you very much. So while I sit here, tearing my hair out and crying in sheer frustration, I ask you:
Is it really worth the pain that's all-too-often inflicted to put yourself out there?

I'm sick of it.

I refuse to apologize for my emotions anymore. Yes, I'm sad alot. Yes, I'm cynical. Yes, I'm angry sometimes. But you know what? That's okay. Because I'm also happy alot. I'm joyful, hopeful, and downright enthusiastic. But I'm also ridiculously fragile. One misconstrued comment, and I'm down for the count. But I don't feel that I should have to be sorry for feeling. That's a stupid concept.
So, to anyone who feels that they shouldn't feel a certain way: you can feel however you want. There is no shame in it. It takes a very strong person to admit that they're broken without making it sound like an apology.

"I won't hate myself to be loved by you."

Welcome to the insanity of my brain.

So, I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned, but I freaking love Secondhand Serenade. I'm not entirely sure who stomped on Jon Vesley's heart to make him write such sad songs, but hey, he's amazing. His lyrics are so emotional and heartfelt, and his voice is pretty. He's pretty alright looking himself.

See. Pretty.

Anyway. Because I feel annoying, I will post the lyrics to one of the songs from his second album, A Twist in My Story, that I've been freaking obsessed with lately. It's called "Like A Knife".

I dream a lot, I know you say
I've got to get away.
"The world is not yours for the taking"
Is all you ever say.
I know I'm not the best for you,
But promise that you'll stay.
Cause if I watch you go,
You'll see me wasting, you'll see me wasting away

Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.

Goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain
And no matter where I go it's always pouring all the same.
These streets are filled with memories
Both perfect and in pain
And all I wanna do is love you
But I'm the only one to blame.

Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.

But what do I know, if you're leaving
All you did was stop the bleeding.
But these scars will stay forever,
These scars will stay forever
And these words they have no meaning
If we cannot find the feeling
That we held on to together
Try your hardest to remember

Stay with me,
Or watch me bleed,
I need you just to breathe.

Cause today, you walked out of my life
(Stay with me, or watch me bleed)
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
(I need you just to breathe.)
I'm not living this life 

Have you ever had a moment where you just feel so... isolated that everything about your future seems to be in a haze? It seems difficult to make it to the next hour or day, let alone week or month, or year? My life seems to be doing that a lot lately. Especially at night, when I actually start thinking about things. It scares me. It makes me want to stay in my bed and hide from things. It makes me want to scream, or cry, or at least whimper a little.
When I get like that, it's actually a bit hard to breath. And yes, I do have lovely, devoted friends who are fully capable of helping me through these moments. But I don't like to bother them. I don't like to make them uncomfortable. I don't like opening up.
In the end, I'm just selfish. I want to contain everything. I want to take my own life by the reigns. But... I can't. I know that. And yes, I'm not the only one taking the reigns in this whole... Circle of Life, grand scheme of things. There's that guy I've always got on my side (admittedly, we're not as close as we could be, but we're working on that. He's the type of guy who loves me unconditionally, and is patient enough to wait for me to come back to Him). So, I'm working on rebuilding that relationship. Because I know He'll never be bothered by my late-night paranoia, and always has the right, if slightly confusing, words. :)
Goodnight, world. I'm off to have a brief chat with my Maker, and hopefully have a very nice sleep.

So hold your breath...

Today was... emotional. And I'm not sure if it was a good thing or not.
I went to a synchronized skating competition. And I loved every moment of it. The cheering, the makeup, the hairspray... It was fabulous. And the people... I grew up with them. They're family to me. I miss all of it so much. And there were a few tears.
And then going to hang out with one of my best friends, that was fabulous as well. We got to have a deep conversation, interrupted by squeeing over stupid pretty boys and comments about glitter being on my socks, and we ate gross greasy food. And just in general enjoyed one another's company.
But coming home, something in me broke. I was listening to Secondhand Serenade, as I do. The song Vulnerable just really gets me. And I was thinking, if a guy who was interested in me (which, frankly, they don't seem to be :/ ) was musically inclined, it would make me RIDICULOUSLY happy if he sang that song to me. If he could play it on the acoustic guitar at the same time... -swoon-
But I'm getting ahead of myself. I need to like myself a lot more before I can expect for a boy to like me.

Goodnight, blog.

Oh, So Poetic

These soft-spoken terrors chase me,
With their light-footed mercies of death.
Terrifyingly honest, I can't stand it anymore.
And I need to stay awake; I need to stay alive.
And please sing me to sleep with hardrock lullabies,
To save me from my from my acoustic nightmares.
Just make sure my words are remembered,
Not my tears or my cries.
Think of me with fondness and devotion.
My piercing scream will tear the chords apart,
And I'll be able to stay awake; I'll live for one more day.
And please sing me to sleep with hardrock lullabies,
And banish my acoustic nightmares.
Build me up from the demolition site,
And make me whole again.

Found in the Ruins of my Closet

When in doubt, shoot the messenger. Make sure you don't know that you're not perfect. Make sure that you're absolutely oblivious to anything and everything that might break your little bubble. Pretend that you've never hurt anyone.
Those are the rules you live by, day after day. You can't remember the last time that wasn't true. You pass your time in a state of constant disregard for responsibility.
You know that you're alone. Your blanket of security is gone. You tore it up. You can't fix months of hurt with a single insincere thought.
Don't lie. Don't make promises you can't keep. Don't pity yourself when you've brought all this upon yourself. Don't come crying to those who cared for you when your life falls apart - you pushed them away. You didn't want them. You wanted a change, a new life - you're getting it.
And you won't get me back. You hurt me too many times. I don't trust you anymore. What's done is done. I don't hate you. I'm disappointed in you. I give up on waiting.
I shouldn't have to wait.

So Fold Your Hands Child.

Yeah, so... I've had a pretty long week.
My father got a positive result back from the doctor. But in this case, positive is really very negative:
My daddy has cancer.
So, I'm kind of scared, as any normal child would be. We were told from the beginning that this was a very treatable kind of cancer though. It's cervical (with a long 'i' sound, and not a thing to do with the cervix. My father doesn't have one of those). It started about two years ago. He found some lumps on the side of his neck, and went to a doctor right away. He was then referred to Dr Nasen at the Health Science Centre, who happens to be the best oncologist in Manitoba. Dr Nasen removed the lumps from dad's left side. The biopsy came up negative - they were benign. Unusual, but benign.
He's had follow up appointments with Dr Nasen every few months since, and the good doctor decided that he was all good - but he'd take a look at the lumps on the other side first, just to be sure. And lo and behold, those ones had kind of melded together, or something. And those ones were cancerous.
So, now dad has a team of doctors. They've got a plan: Remove the rest of the tumour. And then, if it's spread, radiation. And I'm praying for him. So... that's gotta count for something, right?
I trust both the doctors, and God to get my daddy through this. <3

Just leave me alone

I'm going through a bit of a tough time. Family issues, and whatnot.
So, I'm gonna dabble in my old, emo-kid, grade ten pastime. Such as writing.

I look about, searching
For just one fleeting glance of normality.
The facade is there.
We laugh and talk, and just generally pretend.
The fear is there.
It lives, it thrives, it revels
In our blatant discomfort.
I feel the tension,
I feel the urge to break it.
I want to talk, discuss, explain.
Instead, I squash it.
I embrace the fear.
Just like I always do.

Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity.

I honestly kind of forgot I had a blog. Oops?
Today was fabulous. I hung out with Manda, and had Orange Julius. And then I came home and had a haircut. I love haircuts. Especially the part where the stylist shampoos my hair. That's just lovely.  :)
ALSO. Glee was just amazing today. *well, yesterday. but I watched it today*
And to top it all off, I got my university acceptance letter today! :D
Such a good day. I'll have to work hard to top this. :)

The End.

Hey Blog.
I'm sorry for being annoying and spamming you twice in one day. But it's been a fabulous one, and now that it's come to an end, I'd like to open up a bit more. Turns out, a pound of bacon and a pan of brownies will do that to a girl.

I spent three years with one guy; dreamed of marrying him. We didn't break up horrendously. We still loved each other, but we so weren't on the same page. I know that in the long run, it was for the best. But some days, even though I'm not ridiculously head-over-heels in love with him anymore, I regret alot of things about our breakup and how it went down. For example, we talked about almost nothing - not our issues, or what bothered us. It was very... straight to the point, we're not working; change of Facebook relationship status. Done.
Now, I try very hard to surpress my inner Mennonite. I've mentioned I don't need to settle down, get married, and pop out a million babies instantly. But tonight, like many other nights, waiting for the right guy seems impossible. I just want a little affection. I want a hug, a cuddle, a kiss on the head. I want to fall asleep next to a warm boy (no sex, thanks, just a lovely cuddle and sleep). -sigh- I want a little love, Blog.

I know, I know. I have a few very good friends, including Manda ( http://animatedartist.blogspot.com/ ), who sat through six and a half Tim Burton movies with me today. I also have Shelby, who understands my disjointed thought process better than most.

BUT. I'm going to bed for real now. Work and such in the morning. I leave you with a quote from a favourite song, Your Call - Secondhand Serenade.

"And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home."

Burtonstock 2011

Burtonstock '11 is a success.
It's been epic, ladies and gents.
And we're not even finished yet.
:D

In other news, I realized something today: I don't love him anymore!
I care about him, yes. But I'm not hopelessly, head over heels in love.
It's a freeing feeling.
But I keep kind of hoping that he wants me back sometimes. It'd be a nice ego boost to know he misses me.

"I keep telling myself, I keep telling myself I'm not the desperate type."

Mm. Fall Out Boy.

I'm off, Blog. This is lame, but I'm too into Sleepy Hollow to post anything real.

Gone Forever

I can take absolutely no credit for the words I type in this post. I'm sharing a song that has gotten me through a lot in the past few months, because I feel it speaks to me, and I hope others will find the same comfort in it as I do.

Don't know what's going on,
Don't know what went wrong.
It feels like a hundred years, I
Still can't believe you're gone.
So I'll stay up all night
With these bloodshot eyes,
While all these walls surround me
With the story of our lives.

(chorus:
I feel so
Much better,
Now that you're gone forever.
I tell myself
That I don't miss you at all.
I'm not lying,
Denying
That I feel so much better.
Now,
That you're gone forever.

Now things are coming clear;
That I don't need you here.
And in this world around me,
I'm glad you disappeared.
So I'll stay out all night,
Get drunk and fuck and fight,
Until the morning comes, I'll
Forget about our life.

(Chorus)

First time you screamed at me
I should've made you leave.
I should've known it could be so much better.
I hope you're missing me.
I hope I've made you see
That I'm gone forever.

And now, it's coming clear
That I don't need you here
And in this world around me
I'm glad you disappeared

I feel so much better
Now, that you're gone forever
I tell myself that I don't
Miss you at all

I'm not lying, denying
That I feel so much better now
That you're gone forever

And now, you're gone forever
And now, you're gone forever
I feel a little lame, not posting anything most people would call real. But to me, those words are the most real things I've heard in a long time. Pretty much everything on this album makes me feel. Which doesn't happen very often anymore, I'm afraid.

I leave you with that, Blog. YouTube it. There is no real video, that I know of. But the words, the music... it's best at a high volume.

Life starts now.

I'm ridiculously beyond excited.
Three Days Grace is coming to the city, and for once, I'm going. :D
This band has gotten me through a lot of shiz. When I'm mad, or sad, or even happy, I listen to them. Loudly. In my very not-soundproof car. And my even-less-soundproof bedroom. Their lyrics are totally relatable.

I'll be the first to say that now I'm okay, and for the first time, I've opened up my eyes.

I'm going to be super-crazy fan girl. But I refuse to go into the mosh pit. Because when I'm surrounded by people like that... I get crabby.

On a completely unrelated note, I want fresh perspective from HONEST, but NOT MEAN eyes. If you have a fanfiction membership, please go read this: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6525598/1/bLory_b_bPotter_b_and_the_Philosophers_Stone.
That'd be epic. Now, just fyi. I update about once a month. And I don't have a beta, because I don't really do well with co-authoring.

PEACE.

Did I fall asleep? Is this all a dream?

Have you ever noticed how very difficult it is to express exactly how it is you feel?
For example, today I felt... well, to use a word I recently told a friend to punch in the nose... inadequate. I did not feel up to par in the least. I felt fat, and unattractive, and alone.
But tell me, why do I have to feel these things? Just because I'm a little bigger than most girls my age, or require beauty aids to feel like I can even be in some of my friends' presence? Well, yes, I do hate myself, just a little. But you know what people don't understand?
I love myself more than I hate myself.
I've been moderately unhappy for close to a year, and now I'm happier than I've been in a loooooong time. So I need to keep telling myself that I'm good enough. But it's hard, when I'm surrounded by people that meet society's standards of gorgeous, and all I've got going for me is good hair.
So, in order to better myself, I've come up with a workout regime. And by workout regime, I mean I bought a $5.00 DVD at Wal-Mart, and do that for 20 minutes a day, three times a week, and eat less. Not that I ate a tonne before, but now I'm eating better. And I'm not drinking pop. So... maybe that'll help?
Bah.
I'm off to wallow in self-pity somewhere else.
Goodnight, Blog.

She was a Problem Child...

Today was hard, and it was not hard.
It was not hard because it went by quickly, filled with distractions.
It was hard because through those distractions I had that tiny inner voice that keeps telling things that I believed all through high school:
I'm not very pretty, and I'm not at all thin. These are the things that guys my age value in women. So, obviously I'll never find someone unless I lose about 70 pounds, and become ridiculously thin (much like my boss, but she actually CAN'T gain weight, lucky witch).
I'm not very interesting, and I'm most certainly a nerd. More attributes against me in my life's Search For Love.
While I'm not DESPERATE to get married and pop out a million babies starting right now, today I'd most certainly like just to be held. I miss that. Having someone hold me, and kiss me, and make me laugh. I miss having someone to talk to and share my life with.
-sigh-
A girl can dream, can't she?