April is at an end...

I'm a mess tonight. I couldn't tell you why. Maybe I'm just burnt out? In the past two weeks, I've had my four days off - plus a Stat holiday. That should've given me plenty of time to rest and rejuvenate, right? Nope. I've been busy. And stressed. And lonely.
And I think I'm getting sick. I feel disgusting. I can't sleep. Even when I do get sleep, I wake up exhausted. I'm irritable and nauseous all the time. There's this sporadic, dull pain in my lower left side. I'm more absent minded than usual - I need a break. I think that getting away from all of THIS loveliness surrounding my family, and my life in general right now would be a cure to all that.
I'll have to settle on an early night and a handful of advil, combined with a heat pack. Turns out, when you're an adult you can't run away from your problems. You just have to sit there and take it. Life is never easy.

Someday I won't worry.

Hey blog.
I've been really down lately. I'm not sure entirely what's up with it. At first I thought it was just the usual lack-of-sleep kind of feeling off. But I'm kind of doubting that at this point. I just always feel a little left out. Like I don't actually have any real friends, or something. Because somehow, I'm always here. On my sofa. Watching tv with my parents. Because I'm just that cool.
-sigh-
I'm honestly a little afraid to put myself out there. I don't think that I can deal with rejection just yet. I can't thrust myself into a situation where I just might hurt myself. My ego is fragile enough as it is, thank you very much. So while I sit here, tearing my hair out and crying in sheer frustration, I ask you:
Is it really worth the pain that's all-too-often inflicted to put yourself out there?

I'm sick of it.

I refuse to apologize for my emotions anymore. Yes, I'm sad alot. Yes, I'm cynical. Yes, I'm angry sometimes. But you know what? That's okay. Because I'm also happy alot. I'm joyful, hopeful, and downright enthusiastic. But I'm also ridiculously fragile. One misconstrued comment, and I'm down for the count. But I don't feel that I should have to be sorry for feeling. That's a stupid concept.
So, to anyone who feels that they shouldn't feel a certain way: you can feel however you want. There is no shame in it. It takes a very strong person to admit that they're broken without making it sound like an apology.

"I won't hate myself to be loved by you."

Welcome to the insanity of my brain.

So, I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned, but I freaking love Secondhand Serenade. I'm not entirely sure who stomped on Jon Vesley's heart to make him write such sad songs, but hey, he's amazing. His lyrics are so emotional and heartfelt, and his voice is pretty. He's pretty alright looking himself.

See. Pretty.

Anyway. Because I feel annoying, I will post the lyrics to one of the songs from his second album, A Twist in My Story, that I've been freaking obsessed with lately. It's called "Like A Knife".

I dream a lot, I know you say
I've got to get away.
"The world is not yours for the taking"
Is all you ever say.
I know I'm not the best for you,
But promise that you'll stay.
Cause if I watch you go,
You'll see me wasting, you'll see me wasting away

Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.

Goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain
And no matter where I go it's always pouring all the same.
These streets are filled with memories
Both perfect and in pain
And all I wanna do is love you
But I'm the only one to blame.

Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.

But what do I know, if you're leaving
All you did was stop the bleeding.
But these scars will stay forever,
These scars will stay forever
And these words they have no meaning
If we cannot find the feeling
That we held on to together
Try your hardest to remember

Stay with me,
Or watch me bleed,
I need you just to breathe.

Cause today, you walked out of my life
(Stay with me, or watch me bleed)
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
(I need you just to breathe.)
I'm not living this life