I can't deal anymore, blog. I've been dealing with so much lately, and pretending it was nothing that I physically cannot deal anymore. I'm sick of it. Next time someone asks me how I am, or why I'm so angry, I may flip on them. My father has cancer, how the hell do you think I am?!
Blrrr. It doesn't really help that my friends are just as busy work-wise as I am. It makes me sad that I never seem to be able to find a time where any of them are available at the same time as me. Or if they are, they already have plans because I fail at remembering my schedule. I'm sick of spending every night with my parents - as much as I love them, they are driving me bonkers because they're... well, because they're my parents.
And lately, I've been feeling like my ego is approximately the size of a flea. I think nothing of myself. I'm cute, maybe pretty. But I'm not beautiful, and I'm okay with that. Not everyone can be beautiful. But my self-esteem is non-existent lately, and when my friends make comments that are supposed to be jokes *and I'm guilty of this as well, I'm sure* about their weight and how they felt fat and bloated and I look down and I just feel so bad about myself. Because all of my friends are so attractive, and have fabulous bodies, and carry themselves so well, and I just feel like I look disgusting next to them. Because yes, I'm a little pudgy, and no, I'm not a size 0. But I'm not sure if they realize their comments make me feel like that. Actually, I'm sure they don't. And I'm positive they aren't trying to make me feel that way - I take things wrong all the time. But nights like tonight, when I'm burnt out and emotional anyway - please. Just don't say anything about how you're so fat, and don't fit into your size two jeans anymore. I can't help the way I am. I really can't. It truly does not matter how much I work out, or how little I eat. I'm still pudgy. I've still got a massive ass.
...I need to get fat, ugly friends.
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